halfknot

Some things never happen.

Extinctions are happening now.

as for me...

I have been doing, so I haven't been writing, here at least. I'm going to take a break from writing my thesis to finish up SK's trio. I owe him so much more than I've given. These things happen.

I'm working with what I've got. There's no getting rid of it, first of all. But that doesn't mean I can't open up and let it go, let it go. This isn't a song. This is something that never gets a chance to disappear, this is sometimes a thing that never appears. This can't be complete sanity, either. And it's not happening now but for a head.

Otherwise, I was Pimp Zorro, or I was like Pimp Zorro, but it takes more than the shoes to fill them.

And, these things too:
. I quit drinking (which should be easy to do once I toss my Lush albums)
. I quit smoking (which should be easy to do after doing it for 1/365 years)
. I need very few, but deeply sound and strong, and I have them, friends.

2ft x 4ft + beat = all you need

ela came prepared

nice shot ela

condiments take up space

put to good use

who needs cake (thanks chippy)

know your roots (thanks di)

love it, eat it

I just edited my first Wiktionary page. Whoever entered the table either didn't quite understand Japanese or didn't understand HTML well, because the table wasn't quite labeled right. Ahhh... it feels good to enhance the quality of the public knowledge pool...

A lost Beethoven manuscript was found. Unfortunately it is a piano transciption of a previously written movement, but that movement is the Grosse Fugue as transcribed from the Op. 130 string quartet written near the end of his life. The article does not make mention as to whether the manuscript of the original string quartet version of the Grosse Fugue is extant, and a Google search has thus far turned up dry. In any case, it's nice to see mention of the fact that great music doesn't just fall out onto the page fully formed. Worth reading just for the quote at the end.

I still have 3 exposed but undeveloped rolls of B&W film from the summer.

photo I framed and gifted Nish (bridge 2001)

photo I framed and gifted Nish (bridge 2005)

I'm a big fan of wise quotations. Today, as I was reading and altering a quotation, I was thinking about why I like them so much and realized that it's their pungency and subtext. Follow me a sec... I used to be an avid Go player and student, and still play occasionally. Battles between two masters can sometimes appear simpler than they actually are. I've always liked the analogy that the moves on the board are only the tip of the iceberg that peaks out above the waves, but the bulk of the true game lies submerged beneath the water, the multitude of possibilities that flow through the masters minds. In fact, I wrote a haiku about it once:

Stones on the surface
above a vast, unseen sea.
Each move hides fathoms.

I realized that this is what quotations represent for me. The great ones have a natural implication of a vast amount of wisdom and experience that is culminating in an idea stated in just a few sentences. For example, here's one I read today:

When life demands more of people than they demand of life - as is ordinarily the case - what results is a resentment of life almost as deep-seated as the fear of death.
- Tom Robbins

I don't think everyone would find this quote as particularly affecting, but this one sentence seemed to sum up the last four years of my life pretty well. Not only that, but it serves as a helpful insight in order to contain those 4 years in a different box so that I can manipulate it and see it from a different perspective. I love life, and in fact try to make love to it, in a sense, yet still I realized that I had developed a sort of resentment towards it as well, a love-hate relationship, possibly aided by the fact that it filled the void left by my ability to pretty successfully move past the fear of death. Finding the right words for the right reasons is the only way to really address a problem, and quotations can be a very succint, graspable way of doing so. Without the help of exact words defining exact meaning, it is practically impossible to do anything other than carry a formless oppression.

Just a point of interest, many principles of Go strategy are passed on as single sentence proverbs which can be as direct as "The strong player plays straight, the weak plays diagonally," or more colorful like "Don't go fishing when your house is on fire." Also, here's the other quote that I read today that I liked and expanded upon:

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.
- Lee Segall

A man with one watch knows what time it is, but may be wrong; a man with two watches is never quite sure, and will never be right.

Since I was pretty much stuck inside all weekend, I made some other improvements: I baked for the first time. I found a recipe for bran muffins and turned them into tropical bran muffins (the hoodies say they're the bomb). I also made zuchinni bread that I turned into zuchinni/carrot cake. Also good, but I like the muffins better. I don't know why, but I felt like doing something utilitarian and unmasculine.

Good painting is like good cooking; it can be tasted, but not explained.
- Maurice de Vlaminck

I hope that the massive amount of scientific inquiry going into deciding who controls the Arctic Ocean will eventually lead to acquiring the knowledge to deal with and possibly heal the coming disappearence of the polar ice cap. The less time the cap is around, the less sunlight gets reflected and the more gets absorbed into the oceans, creating a warming effect. The real reason for the vigorous exploration however is to dredge up more oil to burn which will sustain the process by which the cap is disappearing in the first place. The Earth has been pretty resilient thus far, but if this process becomes completely self-sustaining then there will be no way for us to fix the problem. Of course, this has effects on what the weather will be like in 50 years, but it is also an indicator of how well the Earth will recuperate to more long term effects. Forgetting about global warming for one second, the extra amounts of carbon being pumped into the atmosphere will adversely affect Earth's natural cycles over the next 10,000 years or more no matter what band-aids we put on things in the present.

I have a lot of experience trying to fix things after it's too late. Any amount of effort put in is fruitless as the outcome is already set. I do not have the tools to figure out the answers to saving our home in anything other than a general way, but I have faith in the abilities of our scientists. I just hope that solutions will come forth and be hearkened. I do have the tools to see that the course of our boat is set, the only question is whether we fall off the edge of the Earth or figure out how to make it round in time.

Just found this radio station based out of London. Dedicated to avant garde art music in a wide variety. Jagged and gripping. Nice change of pace for broadcast radio. Added to my daily work rotation for aural palette cleansing.

(EDIT: way more eclectic than I originally thought. Not all avant garde... blues shows, poetry reading, folk music, etc.)

Walking home from work the other day these two black kids were sitting on a stoop and called out "Hey mister!", well the girl did. "Can we use your phone?" So I stopped and went over to them and said "Sure, but I haven't been getting coverage for some reason, but here try." "Wow, thanks." Other kid says "Thank you sir you're really nice." Girl dialing says (it's 6:00) "Yeah, we've been sitting here for like an hour and you're the first person to stop." I'm sure they didn't start asking for a phone 'til they were sitting there for a little while, but still. They were about 9 and 11 I'd say.

Who the hell doesn't stop to help out two young kids? Racist assholes. Sometimes though, it's easy to be just a little bit racist, because this is a situation that doesn't require your attention. You know how it is around here, people walking fast, with a purpose, listening to iPod, always someone bothering you that you have to shrug off. But come on, these were two kids that needed help. You think they would have had to wait so long to get help if they weren't black? Minimal passive racism isn't as horrible as extreme active racism, but it still sucks.

My phone didn't have service, so I told them they could try coming down the street a little ways and see if it worked, but smartly they said it's alright, they'd wait for someone else to stop so they could call their mom. You shouldn't walk off with strangers you know. Especially if it's The Man.

Sometime while I was at UCLA, I asked this girl out. It was a mild form of a set-up, as one of my friends said that this girl needed some subjects for her sociology experiment and thought I should go "cuz she's cute". So I called her up, had a good conversation and ended up meeting her for coffee for our own little sociology experiment. We got along pretty well, and she expressed our connection with a level of enthusiasm that was greater than what I felt, but whatever. After the actual experiment, which I remember nothing about other than running back from the bathroom during the break because I was late, I ended up taking her out to dinner and a movie (or vice versa) and saw her home. In my opinion the date went alright, maybe a little bit of the conversation on her side was somewhat negative, especially for trying to make a good impression on a date, but I was willing to see where it went. She invited me in to see her place and as I stepped in and was closing the door she insisted that it remain open. Not that I was going to necessarilly try anything funny, but it was a level of propriety that I wasn't used to (not that I was used to sluts). Saw the place, kiss, go home.

The next day or the day after I ring her up. I ask how she's doing, what's going on, and pretty much immediately she starts complaining about some kid that she tutors, so I try to redirect. The redirection ends up landing on her family and then a description of her sister (who sounded like someone I'd like) followed by complaints about her. It wasn't as heavily negative as this, but it was enough to get me to do the following: I interrupted her mid-stream, said I had to go, made goodbyes, and hung up. I never called her again.

At the time, I was very decisive in my thoughts and actions. I was also very rigid about my beliefs, and about the projection of positivity in action, speech, and presence. I was pissed off and pained by a lot of things, maybe not as many as I am now, but enough so that I could easilly fall back into whininess and depression. But I had made a conscious decision for how I was going to view my life and how I was going to act within it, towards others and the outside world; I didn't have tolerance for those who didn't. I triggered my vivid imagination and saw the level of negativity that she was presenting to someone that she really didn't know would be magnified as the amount of time and level of acquaintence grew. I just didn't want it, and I didn't respect it. So, I thought what I did was right.

Today... I think what I did was right, still. The difference is that I have changed. No longer are my thoughts or actions decisive. No longer am I externally rigid about my beliefs, though internally they have not swayed, and in fact been honed and crystalized. I am less naive, I have more consciousness of the extreme possibilities of existence, and of the repercussions of choice, but these are all things that I saw coming. I just wasn't prepared to steel myself. No longer do I always practice the projection of positivity my action, speech (especially), and presence. I am more pissed off and more pained and let it get to me way too much. I have learned a lesson about giving in too heavily to emotion and letting it define you, but my bootstraps have not been pulled and I linger where the after-effects have left me. My conscious decisions had been let to float about unacted upon and have become fewer and further between, letting subconsciousness reign. I let the environment guide me more and more, and if you do that then when you enter a crappy environment you end up in the crapper.

This dichotomy between the way I think and the way I act have many consequences. One, a certain amount of self loathing. If someone were to suddenly stop calling me, I would understand and only be mad at myself. Two, it nullifies the sense that conscious thoughts can become conscious acts with positive outcomes, because it has a tendency to make me feel like my circumstances are mounting against me and there's nothing I can do about it. In actuality, it's just that there's nothing I am doing about it. Or next to nothing, pretty much the same.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. -EB

Three, I am no longer a man of my word. Four, it becomes a self-sustaining cycle with feedback. Five, Six, Seven... why would I need anything more to kick me in the ass? I don't know. I think I let things slide way too long to turn everything around in a day, or a week, or a month. I'm getting closer to isolating the specific solutions that I need. Here are some:

Hope.

Try.

...

I think those two are plenty. There are thin wisps that travel through your numbered days and it is very easy not to notice them until it is too late. You've accidentally stepped on them, you've inadvertantly clipped their wings, you've doused their sparks. Inaction is not the key, positive action with extreme dilligence is. It's the only way those two above can turn into believe and succeed.

So it's just me here working on a life. Happy to be here. Lots to do. Having fun. Nice to meet you. How're your wisps?

Also, you missed a great concert the other night, unless you were there. Architecture in Helsinki at the Middle East... Chippy and I had a blast watching a bunch of Aussies banging and blowing on stage having a lot of PG-rated fun while a bunch of Cantabridgians were bouncing and bumping off stage having a lot of PG-13 fun.

This NY Times article follows up nicely on an NPR segment that detailed interesting aspects of the newly drafted Constitution of Bhutan (2nd draft). It also follows up nicely on the chapter I just read in Fraud that ripped into an inner-voyage retreat hosted by Steven Seagal and added to my daily happiness measure.

Caught that Ray Kurzweil has a new book coming out called The Singularity is Near. Relates to what I was blabbering about before with Mars and robots.

"What if not everyone wants to go along with this?" a straw man asks Mr. Kurzweil. For purposes of simulated debate, the book drums up an assortment of colorful naysayers. This voice is that of Ned Ludd, the opponent of technological advances who gave Luddites their name, but Charles Darwin and Timothy Leary also chime in. Mr. Kurzweil also gives a speaking part to George 2048, a mid-21st-century machine with a reassuring personality. His boldest move is to let bacteria from two billion years ago argue among themselves about the wisdom of banding together to form multicellular life-forms.

My biggest strength and weakness is thinking about things a lot. Last night, at South Street Diner with Nish on a short break from JJ's birthday bash, I was once again being treated to a pep talk inspired to get me out of over thinking things. I don't try to get these pep talks, nor really enjoy them, but me being me, they just sort of happen every now and then. It was interesting, but I didn't totally buy it all, well, after I thought about it a little bit. List 50 good things about yourself, and 50 bad things, then think why the bad might be good, and why the good might be bad, and come to a realization that it all just is, and you should just be. What bothered me is that it seems to leave out the desire to change. I didn't really have much time to think on it though, as a spontaneous game of Improvised Stoop Conducting and Extreme Street Charades was about to take place, which is a great way to realize that sometimes utter foolishness is the best route to happiness.

Today, hanging out with Nish again, we had another good conversation right before he dropped me off at my apartment. About music, and writing, and not, and greatness. I forget exactly what led him to say the following, and I shrugged it off as being obvious, but he said, "But that don't matter though... you just do what's right." Duh. But it kind of swirled around a bit inside, and I realized that that's really when the over thinking becomes a detriment. Sometimes, everything is very simple, and sure there might be complications, but if you just look at things plainly, what's right is very obvious, and that's what you should do. Maybe you'll yaw a little port or starboard, but your course is clear. And I felt really good, and I felt like I honestly didn't care about anything other than doing what's right, and I still feel that way.

Duh.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -AE

The simple matter is that I really am pissed off with music right now, at least many aspects of the type I've been involved in. Something needs to change. Right now I'm happy working at my new job, but I know in the long run IT'S NOT RIGHT for me not to write. I just need to cut back down to the simple and plain reason that's been there all along and get rid of the knives that rip through my chest every time I approach a piece of manuscript paper. Well, I can't get rid of them, because, the knives ain't knives. Just gotta keep strong, working on getting all Neo'ed out realizing the knives are spoons and there is no spoon.

Happy birthday JJ and Chippy.