halfknot

Sometime while I was at UCLA, I asked this girl out. It was a mild form of a set-up, as one of my friends said that this girl needed some subjects for her sociology experiment and thought I should go "cuz she's cute". So I called her up, had a good conversation and ended up meeting her for coffee for our own little sociology experiment. We got along pretty well, and she expressed our connection with a level of enthusiasm that was greater than what I felt, but whatever. After the actual experiment, which I remember nothing about other than running back from the bathroom during the break because I was late, I ended up taking her out to dinner and a movie (or vice versa) and saw her home. In my opinion the date went alright, maybe a little bit of the conversation on her side was somewhat negative, especially for trying to make a good impression on a date, but I was willing to see where it went. She invited me in to see her place and as I stepped in and was closing the door she insisted that it remain open. Not that I was going to necessarilly try anything funny, but it was a level of propriety that I wasn't used to (not that I was used to sluts). Saw the place, kiss, go home.

The next day or the day after I ring her up. I ask how she's doing, what's going on, and pretty much immediately she starts complaining about some kid that she tutors, so I try to redirect. The redirection ends up landing on her family and then a description of her sister (who sounded like someone I'd like) followed by complaints about her. It wasn't as heavily negative as this, but it was enough to get me to do the following: I interrupted her mid-stream, said I had to go, made goodbyes, and hung up. I never called her again.

At the time, I was very decisive in my thoughts and actions. I was also very rigid about my beliefs, and about the projection of positivity in action, speech, and presence. I was pissed off and pained by a lot of things, maybe not as many as I am now, but enough so that I could easilly fall back into whininess and depression. But I had made a conscious decision for how I was going to view my life and how I was going to act within it, towards others and the outside world; I didn't have tolerance for those who didn't. I triggered my vivid imagination and saw the level of negativity that she was presenting to someone that she really didn't know would be magnified as the amount of time and level of acquaintence grew. I just didn't want it, and I didn't respect it. So, I thought what I did was right.

Today... I think what I did was right, still. The difference is that I have changed. No longer are my thoughts or actions decisive. No longer am I externally rigid about my beliefs, though internally they have not swayed, and in fact been honed and crystalized. I am less naive, I have more consciousness of the extreme possibilities of existence, and of the repercussions of choice, but these are all things that I saw coming. I just wasn't prepared to steel myself. No longer do I always practice the projection of positivity my action, speech (especially), and presence. I am more pissed off and more pained and let it get to me way too much. I have learned a lesson about giving in too heavily to emotion and letting it define you, but my bootstraps have not been pulled and I linger where the after-effects have left me. My conscious decisions had been let to float about unacted upon and have become fewer and further between, letting subconsciousness reign. I let the environment guide me more and more, and if you do that then when you enter a crappy environment you end up in the crapper.

This dichotomy between the way I think and the way I act have many consequences. One, a certain amount of self loathing. If someone were to suddenly stop calling me, I would understand and only be mad at myself. Two, it nullifies the sense that conscious thoughts can become conscious acts with positive outcomes, because it has a tendency to make me feel like my circumstances are mounting against me and there's nothing I can do about it. In actuality, it's just that there's nothing I am doing about it. Or next to nothing, pretty much the same.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. -EB

Three, I am no longer a man of my word. Four, it becomes a self-sustaining cycle with feedback. Five, Six, Seven... why would I need anything more to kick me in the ass? I don't know. I think I let things slide way too long to turn everything around in a day, or a week, or a month. I'm getting closer to isolating the specific solutions that I need. Here are some:

Hope.

Try.

...

I think those two are plenty. There are thin wisps that travel through your numbered days and it is very easy not to notice them until it is too late. You've accidentally stepped on them, you've inadvertantly clipped their wings, you've doused their sparks. Inaction is not the key, positive action with extreme dilligence is. It's the only way those two above can turn into believe and succeed.

So it's just me here working on a life. Happy to be here. Lots to do. Having fun. Nice to meet you. How're your wisps?

Also, you missed a great concert the other night, unless you were there. Architecture in Helsinki at the Middle East... Chippy and I had a blast watching a bunch of Aussies banging and blowing on stage having a lot of PG-rated fun while a bunch of Cantabridgians were bouncing and bumping off stage having a lot of PG-13 fun.