9.25.2005
I'll give it all back soon
Secret's out, I'm in San Francisco for the weekend. And just for anyone I owe money to, I used my free flight on JetBlue, so I gone dunnit durn cheap dontchyoofretnun.
Spur of the moment, but the time was ripe. Best decision I ever made, for a decent past run at least. Today I crawled up to 24th and Vicksburg and damn if I fell right into a cliche planting myself through hours with a latte only to get up and walk away with my chest feeling empty cause I knew something sat palpitating beneath the now vacant bench. There, the first time in a long time that I was completely by myself, feeling completely at peace, and part of me left.
I will return someday to scoop it back up. For good. Before I'm 40. I never knew just what it was before, when I was here. Was it the good money, the good job, the good people, the good place, the true independence, the true love, the true motivation... the truth is that it was probably a combination of it all, but coming here this last time, on my own and by myself, truly, I realized that the city itself holds my heart, and is my home for no other reason. I have not lived in every city, but quite a few held me for a time. Of all that I've rolled through, the last moss I'll gather will be here.
For now, in Cambridge, I will mold a golem of happiness and will gladly let it carry me forward. There are things I need to do. And there are things I now know I need to work towards.
And also there's this...
...that makes me wonder what if it came down tails?
Spur of the moment, but the time was ripe. Best decision I ever made, for a decent past run at least. Today I crawled up to 24th and Vicksburg and damn if I fell right into a cliche planting myself through hours with a latte only to get up and walk away with my chest feeling empty cause I knew something sat palpitating beneath the now vacant bench. There, the first time in a long time that I was completely by myself, feeling completely at peace, and part of me left.
I will return someday to scoop it back up. For good. Before I'm 40. I never knew just what it was before, when I was here. Was it the good money, the good job, the good people, the good place, the true independence, the true love, the true motivation... the truth is that it was probably a combination of it all, but coming here this last time, on my own and by myself, truly, I realized that the city itself holds my heart, and is my home for no other reason. I have not lived in every city, but quite a few held me for a time. Of all that I've rolled through, the last moss I'll gather will be here.
For now, in Cambridge, I will mold a golem of happiness and will gladly let it carry me forward. There are things I need to do. And there are things I now know I need to work towards.
And also there's this...
I limp back to the phones. I ain't sure Taylor will come along. In fact, if I'm really honest, I guess I feel she won't. She has a lunch date, and her life is all separate, and full of sunny-smelling skin and panty lace. I just have grisly fucken reality, uninvited, with its smell of escalator motors and blood, and whirrs and beeps that suck away your shine. Dreams are so damn perfect, but reality just always tugs the other way. The fact that our two lives will rub together for the time it takes to say hello doesn't automatically mean sparks will fly. The best you can probably expect is that her peachy-lace life gets smeared with booger-slime. It's enough to make you bawl. Specially because now I'm in the wrong frame of mind for it to happen. There's the learning, O Partner: that you're cursed when you realize true things, because then you can't act with the full confidence of dumbness anymore.
In the end I just piss myself off. I pack up my goddam philosophical activity set, and pull a quarter from my pocket. I toss it. It comes down heads, which means call her in Houston immediately. I pick up the phone, and punch in her number.
...that makes me wonder what if it came down tails?
# posted by Mike @ 3:00 AM 
